Name: Steve Mensing
Topic: Polly and feeling alienated
Sent: 16.45 - 3/13 2001
Hi Polly:

You've got some good info so far about some of the possibilities you can do.

Your post sounds fairly painful. From what you're telling us it sounds like your struggling with a common human challenge: feeling different and excluded.

I noticed in your earlier post that you mentioned having come from a family where "drinking" took place.
A lot of younger people coming out of these backgrounds often tend toward alienation. Their families can be markedly different from others in the neighborhood. (If you came from a blue collar Irish section of town this may not be true).

Kids and teenagers are notorius for comparing themselves to others. Between 9 and 18 young people tend to be very conscious of differences between themselves and their families and others. This is when and where those "I don't belong" trances get created and resisted.

There's a heck of a lot of scenerios where "I don't belong--I'm different" can become part of out filtering system. For starters:

Being of a different race or ethnic background in an alien culture.

Having parents with mental health challenges or alcoholism.

Being a poor kid in a private school or being a rich kid in a public school.

Being tall, skinny, fat, socially unskilled, a nerd,
being gifted, having killer acne, being poor at sports, being learning disabled, wearing white sox with black ripple toed shoes and holding those white sox up with red rubber bands, language differences, gygunda breasts--you catch the drift

All of the above can get us teased and worse yet excluded. Most of us like to fit in, we feel pained when we don't. Feeling lonely and like an outsider isn't much fun. It can put a major crimp in our work and social lives.

Polly correct me if I'm jumping to any conclusions about your situation.

If you are desiring to overcome "feeling like an outsider" a number of different avenues are open to you. Besides compassion drills, you may want to also focus on two major areas: "Beliefs and trances to be cleared" and "Practical actions you can take".

Alienation is one of the Personality Clusters listed up on the tech page. This cluster of beliefs gives us the sense we're different and isolated from others. Check out some of the beliefs I've listed and see if some of them fit. If they do, those would be grist for the clearing mill. If some of those beliefs don't fit your regular language structuring, feel free to alter them into your personal style of thinking.
Some common alienation beliefs might be:

* I feel like an outsider.
* I'm so different from others.
* I'm a loner and feel very lonely.
* I never fit in anywhere.
* I don't act, think, or dress like other people.
* Others arn't like me at all.
* Am I from another world?
* Who would care if I suddenly vanished?
* My family is not like other families.
* I feel like a weirdo around others.
* I'm so different there must be something wrong with me.
* I'm unlikable and eccentric.
* I must stay way back in groups.
* If I hang out with those people I'll get my feelings hurt.
* If I introduce myself to those people they'll reject me.
* I have to fake being like others.
* My appearance, intelligence, income, opinions, and sexuality are going to be put down.

The above beliefs can be targeted with clearing tech like the M.G., Circuit Breaker, CHP, Core Transformation, EFT, TAT. If you can recall specific incidents where you felt shunned, you may target them with the Cortical Incident Runner.

Feelings of alienation and loneliness can be experienced, accepted, and reintegrated in Active Feeling and mindfulness.

Now on the practical action end of it you may want to consider the following:

* Jot down those social situations where your feelings of alienation surface. Note any anxiety you get about hanging out in groups. You may want to give yourself activity assignments like going up and meeting folks no matter how anxious you feel or how much you will feel alone or weird. Direct action can make some major inroads in your feeling states.

* Jot down any group situations you may be avoiding and give yourself assignments to get involved in them if that is something you think might be valuable.

*If you are overcompensating in some ways for your alienation and becoming a stick out in some groups, check this out and see how you might modify this so you might feel comfortable again. Overcompensation can lead to overly aggressive behavior that can put us at odds with others and create more alienation.

* Check out any of your perceived flaws. Can they be accepted or altered? What might you do to accept them? To alter them?

*If you are in a group and have been laying back due to alienation or anxiety bout rejection, set up an action plan to become more part of the group. Then set a time to do it and follow through.

* If you catch yourself acting "Not quite you"in groups see if you can feel being yourself and let yourself come through.

I'm sure other folks will have more to provide you. Alienation is very common.

Take care, Steve